The last post was supposed to be a motivator. Didn't work. New quarter, got a test on thursday, havent studied still. I dunno what Im doing. I dunno what im going to do. What I do know is that I need to be done with school. Which I am afraid of, i dont wanna leave here. its a weird situation, a large part of my life is down here now, and with every passing day im realizing im going to have to leave it behind. i dont want to, i try to devise crazy plans that will get me to stay down here, but what it just isnt realistic.
when i graduated high school i was depressed, more or less. thankfully, im not anymore, but im starting to get a similar feeling. im happy, yet theres this weight on my mind that keeps dragging me down. i think its just nerves. it might just be that i dont give a fuck anymore. well not entirely true, i give a semi-fuck. i know! its uncertainty about the future. back then i wanted to get to know myself better and improve myself as a person. on that front i think i actually did ok. but the point is i didnt want to think of the future because i had no idea what it looked like, i was afraid. SAME NOW. afeared! wtf am i going to do! its just this time there is no plan. i had college before, now i have nothing. my whole fucking life starts now. and i really dont feel like im ready for it. i basically failed at life. i was too lazy, i squandered my talents, i never took any initiative. im 21 and i have no real future. im nothing, and am set up for nothing. really wish i had a reset button.
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