Learn

So I'm failing. Failing at school, failing at life. I often look to the sky, open my mouth wide, and let out a shout of frustration...in my head only of course. Mostly it's just a heavy sigh towards the heavens. It makes me feel better for some reason, reminds me how small I am in this world, how little what happens to me actually matters. But I've hit a really awkward place in my life. Yea I feel like a failure, but I almost feel as if I am starting to learn from this constant failure. Cliche right? It's what it feels like though, maybe I actually am growing up. I dunno I look at some people who are like only a year older than me and I can't help but think, "goddamnit. so mature, so cool, what the fuck am i." That's right I think in all lower case. But seriously it irks me, I want to be that mature person so bad, someone who's comfortable in their own skin, someone who can be that comfortable self around others. But I do feel like I am slowly picking myself up. It's kind of like I spent my entire youth digging myself a huge hole, and somehow by randomly flailing around I've managed to find what I percieve to be as up. I could be fooling myself, it could just be straight downwards, but it feels like very slow progress. But so here's the weird part, what drove me to post this in the first place. This kind of progress I've been searching for for years now, it should make me happy or excited or somthing. But it just makes me sad right now. Maybe sad isn't the right word, it's more like regret or somthing. I should have got all this out of the way in my youth. I should have filtered all these problems out earlier in life so that I could fully enjoy who I am now. Maybe I'm just overrly emotional from no sleep last night. Don't ya just love take home finals. Shit was so hard, got to sleep at 6. History on monday, japanese on tuesday, hoping for home on wednesday. I must say this quarter has had it's ups and downs for sure. Problem is the downs felt eternal and the ups were ephemeral(totally my favorite word these days). But fuck it i'll take it, any kind of up is positive. For now I really should shelve my thoughts and study. Someday i'll laugh at myself for these kinds of posts, for now i'll just...i dunno...go be gloomy in a corner or somthing.