Pre-final Planning

The last thing I want to do right now is study. Total crap is what this is. Putting a vacation after finals is kind of a damned if you do damned if you dont situation. If theres no vacation after, kids die. If there is, its pretty much the biggest distraction from studying there is. I have a japanese skit on monday i really dont want to do. I feel like presentations don't help you learn to speak really, all it is is just memorizing lines. An that memorization is space I need in my head for my other useless classes, as in chinese portraiture. Yea havent studied one bit, not all that worried given how well I did on everything else, but I will be really really sad if I blow this one now and don't get an A. I mean I've somehow managed to demolish the class somehow, to lose it at the end is the most painful thing that can happen.

My snytax final is already posted on the web. Due wednesday, hopefully I'll glance at it tonight, get started on it monday. Weak right, I need to memorize the skit and try and start memorizing images this weekend. Monday do the skit, and hopefully knock out half of my syntax. Tuesday finish syntax early in the day (won't happen, but this is how I plan), and then cram as much portraiture as I can. Here is the gayness though, wednesday I need to wake up early and go turn my syntax final in somewhere at stevenson. Then I gots to make my way down to eight where I'll do my portraiture final. Then my reward for this will be to study the rest of wednesday away on japanese. Thursday morning japanese final, then I take off for home, hopefully that same day.

So that is the plan. Yea, easily doable. Problem: this is me we're talking about here. The reality of it is this: today I'll fart around and not study. Tomorrow I'll do the same until around 11pm and frantically try and memorize the skit. MondayI'll do the skit, my group will be angry with my un-passionate/mistaken ridden performance, I'll probably glance at the syntax when I'm done, but nothing much more than that. Tuesday I'll panic like no other, do a rushed shitty job on syntax, pull an all nighter memorizing stupid pictures, and somehow make it through wednesday half alive. I'll blow off all studying for japanese since that strategy has worked for me before, hopefully it works one more time. I'll head home disgusted with myself, cursing my parents for giving me life, and debating what new games I should go waste all my money on in order to forget how miserable this school is. Thank god for ps3's, whatever would I do without them.

Alright since I'm on a roll with the academic depression I'm just gonna keep going with it. Next quarter is going to blow. So badly. Japanese 3 I'm not really looking forward too. Yea I was thinking the same about 2, and it was cake. Problem is though while I managed to keep pace in the beginning, lately I've been slipping a bit. Another quarter is gonna be dangerous. Plus motivation is always a problem, I've been seriously motivated to learn japanese so far, I'm questioning whether that enthusiasm will still be there. Syntax II is gonna be a bitch. I am fucking sick of snytax. I just don't care at this point. Sure, maybe it's interesting, but it's still pointless as fuck. People were not meant to question things like this, at least not this indepth. Then the last class, wait for it, Latin American studies. WTF right? only IS class open. I fucking hate GE's. I'm forced into so many goddamn classes I do not want to take just because I need to fill these stupid ass requirements. Ridiculi.

I really can't wait til break. Just so sick of school. So sick of everything. Bah. It's just a few more years tho. I fucked up my future once before by being lazy, I ought to try an prevent it from happening again. It really isn't easy though. I envy those who enjoy their college life. I envy those who enjoy their lives really, for that matter. I mean seriously, ever since I started middle school I've been a pretty fucking depressing emo kid. Always complaining, never satisfied, always wishing things were better. And sure, as bad as things are now, before was much worse. My mind was pretty fucking tortured before. Now I'm just a normal lonely kid. Too cowardly to change, stuck in the life he has created for himself. I truly admire people who are happy with who they are, and arnt ashamed of it either. People who know who they are and how to stay positive. I see these people and wish I were more like them, wish I had the courage to try and befriend them. I project coldness though. I instinctively avoid people. Yea, it's problematic. Some random dude said somethin to me while I was walking yesterday. I ferget what it was, just some kind of matter-of-fact thing to stir up conversation. It was fucking weird, and I reacted as such, sarcastically shot back "great, man" or somthing along those lines. He kind of looked embarassed/angry, and walked off ahead of me. So I dunno, why'd he choose to try an speak with me? That's not what matters, what bugs me is my response. Why did I have to be an ass about it. I could have just smiled and nodded or somthing. Could have indulged this stranger and attempted to give an honest answer. Instead I basically told the guy to fuck off. Who does that. I'm only nice when it benefits me, and even then it's rarely real. I'm pretty fucking mean spirited. How did this happen. When did this happen. I hate mean people, I'm completely drawn to kind people, so what the fuck happened to me. Guh. I ought to hide this post. It went on way to long. Whatever tho. I'll end it here. Good study break. Got quite a bit of frustration into here. Now I get to go build it all back up. weeeeeeeee.