Today was not a good day. Pretty much nothing went how I was hoping. All of it my fault really. I tried. Failed too. So the dream continues. The problem is I don't really know if it does. Do I apply for a transfer next year again? I dunno. I'll make that decision when the time comes. In a way it kind of scares me, giving up on Berkeley that is. It's the reason I've worked my ass off this year.
Somehow I knew before I checked. Around 1130, no even before that, like around 6 today I just started to feel really depressed. I just felt like it was impossible, like I've been fooling myself these last few weeks, allowing myself to think I had a shot. The rejection is really quite kind, tells me it was a hard decision an that they are sure I will get into a favorable university elsewhere. I did, very favorable, but not the one I had my sights on.
Puts you in your place though doesnt it? Some people are just better. I can see that, I cant compare to these people, no matter how desperately I want to. And believe me I do want to, I cant give up that competitiveness in me. Maybe that makes me immature, I dont know. It doesnt feel as bad this time, if only because I'm riding some success to mitigate the pain here. Still feel hollow though. Bah, as if I have time for this. Still have miles to go on my syntax midterm. Surprisingly, my motivation hasnt deserted me. Testament to how my interest in linguistics has really grown I think. We'll see next year though, at the very least, I'll be out of santa cruz.
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Why would it not surprise me if you ended up at UC Berkeley's awesome, prestigious, Linguistics Department? To pursue an MA or PhD?
Oh, right... because you're damn smart, that is. And when you get right around to it, the difference between UCLA/UCSD and Cal undergrad doesn't amount to a hill of beans. Do what you need to do at some other campus, enjoy your time there, and THEN apply to Berkeley's linguistics dep't. They'd be lucky to have you there.
Meanwhile, dump the self pity. 'tis a waste of your precious time. ;-) (And yes, I'm well aware that depressive clouds descend from time to time, happens to all of us, but work on your strategies to see through those seemingly dim times. It'll be worth your while to keep that focus.)
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