god fuckin damnit

ive made basically this same exact post millions of times over the years, but here it is again. have u ever just felt completely and utterly disappointed in yourself. im nearly done with my second year of college. im nearly fucking 20. why am i still such a goddamn kid. i cant become close to people. its like im incapable. i run away. even when i consciously try to bring myself closer i run away in the end. to state the obvious, i am frustrated beyond belief with myself. i just dont see how i can change myself at this point tho. i try and analyze myself. wat is it im afraid of. is it fear even, is it something else that pulls me back. no its fear. i just hate to take risks. ive just never been able to put myself out there. there being that metaphorical place where people can connect. heres how im gonna articulate it. i squat in my corner. my corner is my own, i show nothing to people from my corner except what is visible from where they are, the actual room. people pass by my corner but in general i ignore them, and they pass by. but theres always exceptions rite? sometimes u find someone thats worth getting up from the corner and getting to know. and when i do, and i realize this person is alrite, it feels good. so now theres this acquantince in the room thats alrite, fine and dandy, but the problem is im just some bum squating in the corner. i like this alrite person, but why would they ever wanna be friends with a bum squatting in a corner. so i try and hide who i am...how? thats rite, by squatting in the corner. insecurities, more and more im realizing they rule my fucking life. maybe im overcoming them slowly in my own way, maybe i need to find myself some help, but i feel like im missing oppurtunities at great experiences during what really should be a fantastic time in my life. i cant get these years back, these people will soon be out of the room for good, and that, i think, is what angers me the most.