Trip

I uh...I made some progress today. I read a 27 page article for my art history class. I retained zero information, and it took me about 3 hours (no joke), but I read it, top to bottom. I'm really in a rut here. Everything I do seems to be regrettable. I'm tryin to live with a no regrets policy tho, makes for a difficult time.

I tripped going up some stairs today. Kind of sums everything up really. Wasn't hurt, actually caught myself so the only thing that hit the ground were my palms. Just when it happened it felt like slow motion, but I had no idea what was happening. All of a sudden the ground was comming so much closer, be my instincts took over for me, and before I could figure anything out I had, in one motion, already pushed myself up and was walking on. I feel like I'm doing everything unconciously right now. I keep mindlessly going through the routines, I keep fucking up in certain areas, but I just kind of keep barreling ahead without thought. I shouldn't be living like this. I have some pathetic form of an analytical mind, should be thinking through my actions and deciding on best courses of action to take.

Guh. It's not worth it is it. See this is my problem, I always convince myself nothing is this world is worth anything, and then I complain about my lack of motivation. I just wish I were out of here. No, even that's not it, I just wish I were more mature. I just wasn't ready to leave home. Seriously, I overestimated myself. I thought I was mature for my age, I thought getting away from home would be a great growing experience for me. I'm still just a kid, inside and out. A coward really, running from people, no matter their intentions.

Can I just blame my genes?

Lets be honest here folks, loneliness sucks. Some people can deal with it, some people choose it, theres other options out there but I'm not gonna list em all. I used to be fine with it, mostly because, I wasn't that lonely. I had friends you know. We saw each other at school, we got together sometimes out of school. Yea, I was miles away from being an actively social person, but that minimal interaction, that was important.

So let's take that away and dump me in santa cruz. I tell ya, it causes this kind of biting pain. I try not to think about it, but I mean its impossible not to really. My brain gets all crampy, my chest tightens up, it just feels bad. Its beyond frustrating. If lonliness really bothers me that much, why don't I go put myself out there, why don't I go make myself accesible to people. I dunno. I really don't. I often wonder if I have some kind of anxiety issue. It just doesn't seem normal, to avoid contact with people the way I do. I dunno. Certainly in one of those many transition periods of life. Guh I still can't seem to study for my classes. I'm really dragging my feet this quarter, I really cannot figure out what happened.

Goddamnit

dhjflkdjhflkjdshflfhljkasfwikfa;sfklsfjshfdaslkfewajknd...watch the trailer. seriously, watch it. awesome right? looks like the greatest game ever right? not comming to the US for at least a year...im really considering importing this game. Prbly won't, but definitely considering it. guh. Why do they release trailers and pretty screenshots. its the worst kind of torture imaginable. simply the worst.

I really need to stop comparing myself to others

Ever get lost in the whole Nature vs. Nurture debate? I do, all the time really. Not arguing with anyone, just speculating what it means to me. Just things like, what if I had been born first. What if I were the older sibling, would I be this quiet of a person still.

It's interesting to me. No, rib never protected me or anything, but I hid in her shadow all the time when we were younger, deflecting attention to her. I remember I never realized this until she left for school, and I was the only kid at home. Whenever my parents friends/family/whoever came over, all of a sudden it was me getting the questions, me having to interact with these people. I hated it, still do really. And I dunno, I just look at rib sometimes and wonder how she can be so good at interacting with people she barely knows, and how I can barely hold a conversation with people I'm really close to.

It's fucking weird having a sibling. To me it just seems like we're so different from each other, but I guess in a lot of ways we're really similar. I dunno this is turning out really vague, less concrete than I was hoping for.

All right, I've thought this out. This is simply another sibling envy post. She's smarter than me, she's a sociable person, she's fairly independent, she makes friends easily...I dunno she's trying things out, she's figuring her shit out. My youth, on the other hand, is being wasted sitting in front of a computer being depressed. How to phrase this. My ceiling is replacement level. On my best day, I'm cliff pennington. I was a first round draft pick, had a bright future, all the potential to be a solid major league contributor. But for whatever reason, just didn't pan out. Didn't develop the power, never really ever hit. Yea I got a decent glove and can steal a few bases, but my skillset really limits me to a utility role. So yea, that's me, cliff pennington, replacement level infielder, may get a job warming the bench on some poor team like the A's, may just toil away at futility at sacramento until I realize my life is going nowhere and quit.

As a side note, this post turned out a lot better than expected. Was going down the tubes and then AAAA metaphor kicked in, I think that was a damn good salvage job. Couldn't really come up with a comparison for rib, I was thinking maybe greinke or hamilton, maybe ankiel or somthin, but she's only in the strange burnout phase right now, hasn't gotten that second wind of success that makes it a feel good story. So maybe she's rich harden, talented but on the DL.

...dual name personality?

Something frightening happened today. No, it had nothing to do with the new president. I missed it too, had an early class. Not that I was all that into it, takes a bit more than some dude with his hand on a bible to get me excited. I get it though, historic day, wakka wakka, sure I'll be happy for the country today. But anyway, I met someone from one of my classes, an we exchanged names and whatnot. The scary part, I introduced myself as Joji, didn't even blink, no hesitation, didn't even realize until 30 minutes after while I was walking. I just thought to myself, "wtf, I did not just tell someone my name is Joji." But I did. Weirdest thing ever. I've never thought of myself as Joji, but I guess since I've only known this dude in class, since my mentality is to react to "Joji" in class, that's who I felt like at the time. Fucking weird. My names are fucking weird in general. There's zero consistency. In class I'm Joji, out of class im Mikio, but with family an friends from back home I'm just Iz. Seriously, it leads to a ton of confusion, confusion I would rather not have to bother explaining to people I don't really care about. Maybe that's just me being an ass though. Doesn't change the fact that it feels weird though. Adopting a name I never used in the past, it just feels strange. I mean some part of me obviously is accepting it now, if I just unconsciously do this. I know it's just a name, not a big deal, but it's still really messing with me. I dunno, maybe some things just shouldn't be pondered. This being one of said things. Leads me nowhere, just kills my sleep.

Lose

So I'm basically two weeks into the quarter and I've already admitted defeat. Just cannot study! I really don't know what happened to me, I actually am doing very well in my classes so far, but that is all going to change very soon as soon as the difficulty ramps up. So tomorrow I will go to both my classes, and then hop on a few different buses/trains and make my way home. I'll spend the weekend, I dunno, sleeping. Playing my ps3. See if those damn berkeley kids are still on break. Basically not thinking about school. I'll try and get all the slackerness out of my system in one go. I doubt this is gonna work, but hell, worth a shot. My brain just feels confined right now. Bottled up somehow. It's a strange sensation, kind of like a cramp or somthing, but not exactly. Very weird.

I plan on getting a haircut this weekend. One of those mood changing events, you know. Sometimes something insignificant like that can alter your mindset somehow. Doesn't really matter what you change, as long as you feel different somehow. Yea I am pretty goddamn desperate right now. Seriously it's like all the optimism and talent I was riding on just a few weeks ago has deserted me. I don't think I'm bi-polar...I've witnessed that shit first hand I don't think I'm there, though then again self diagnosis doesn't really work. I dunno. Where'd the confidence go. Nothing just dissapears in this world. I'll get it all back somehow. I'll get my prior form back somehow. I just hope it's soon.

Wooo Eagles

Wait, what? What does this mean? We teach them player evaluation, they teach us...what? Is this a way to recruit asian ball players? I guess I have to change my j-ball allegiance from the fighters to eagles now. Not that I follow any team there, I just liked the fighters in all those old pawa puro games. But really I find this strange. I wonder if other teams have similar agreements in asia? If this leads to more japanese on the A's though, best fucking news of the season. So uh, woo Darrel Rasner? I had no idea that dude was there. I have no idea who anyone else on this team is. Interesting tho, fairly interesting.

Crap

I'm going through ps3 withdrawal or something here guys. I'm so bored. I can't bring myself to study anymore. I'm cranky, though that might have to do with having to wake up early everyday. It's just all bad here right now. Well not all, but fairly close. No, not happy with myself right now. That's really what I'm trying to say here. That's really all I'm ever trying to say. I suck, I know I suck, I'm trying not to suck but it's really hard not to suck. Someday I won't suck at life. Shit that's been like my life's mantra. Happiness is so goddamn ephemeral. It fleets across your palm only to leave a trail of crap. It's just that when you're in that happiness space, all the crap feels worth it. And then it's over, like papelbon over, like some other analogy that's actually clever over, the point is just game fucking over. and like that, you're left questioning if the whole thing is worth it. doesn't matter, whichever conclusion you come to, unless it's suicide, the process starts anew.

Giambi

So I've been against this whole Giambi thing from the beginning. I don't like the guy and I'm a barton believer, so yea I'm not too happy with the signing. That said, you have to like the price he came at. I really cannot wait to watch this new team, we haven't had an A's team this capable on the offensive end in what feels like forever. So yea, this probably is a good move for the A's. Worst that happens is giambi gets hurt/goes back to sucking, and then we get my wish and stick barton back out there.

So the offense seems to be fun now, and the rotation still just sucks to look at. Seriously, It's starting to pain me. The only way I see us doing well is if the prospects come up a month or so in and get acquainted super fast. Of course with that said, we may not even have to aim for "well", slightly better than mediocre might win us this division depending on how things pan out. I'm gonna laugh if this is the team that gets us the championship. I'd take it, but man, it's just not that good of a team. Ey for real though, how awesome would it be to trade for tejada and then sign mulder. I'd laugh, it'd be quite the nostalgic reunion. Then I'd probably cry when I have to watch them play.

Eh, mulder I seriously wouldn't be opposed to bringing back though. I mean he's basically mark prior status now, he's probably begging teams to bring him in, and the upside is there for sure. Ideally a minor league deal would be the way to go, maybe even just a spring training invite. I dunno. We need pitching to come from somewhere. But I guess if beane believes the youngsters will be enough, I guess I should trust that, organization knows their own players better than I do. well, gogo brett anderson, hell, gogo gio gonzalez, heres to hoping you don't give up a homer to every other batter you face.

Sucks

Damn. This break sucked. It reminded me how much home sucks now. But now that I'm less than a day away from going back I'm reminded how much school sucks. Not helping this feeling, my ride back is the daughter of one of my dads friends from (I think)college, someone I haven't seen or spoken with in, well forever really. Fairly...awkward. Doncha hate those kind of situations though. I mean this obviously isn't my idea, this is my parents not wanting to drive. Which sure, I understand that, but now they're forcing me into a situation where I have to be resentfully grateful. That just sucks. It's almost like the whole thing is one big lie.

Ah but whatever. What really happens to be irking me is that the only class I could find that works into my schedule while also gives me progress towards my degree was chinese portraiture. wtf right. I hope it's easy. It's at 10 tues/thurs at fucking college 8. Fuck that. That means I gotta wake up at like 9 every day now. That could be my doom. If it seems difficult in any way I'm finding a way out of it somehow. Or just taking pass/no pass. Do not want to deal with chinese portraits, just what the hell man, how can there be a class on this. Oh well though, better than mexican folk dance or whatever the hell else was available.